???sleepless night???...

it's great to be home! but home reminds me of everything, from the past till today and makes me think about the days to come. past that trigger me how to survive and deal with the future without even knowing how i survive for all the days that pass by. it's hard to determine where my life goes to and where it ends. i even keep asking in 28 years of my existence what is my purpose of living in this world.
home reminds me of all the things: pain, suffering, sacrifices, happiness, sadness, mourning, doubts,..........etc. they are part of me and i am mold by these. all my experience made me of what i am and who i am right now. they were the things that i learned, the things that made me stronger and the things that leave a marks or scar on me. marks that will not be made to disappear on new technology. it's in my blood and keeps circling for life. i based some of my lifestyle and some changes in life for that marks. it makes me a better person capable to give love, to care, to be thoughtful and to value life and all the things, big or small. it's a mark that will be part of me, part of my life and part of my soul.
now that i am home again, i experience again sleepless night, thinking of what would be my future lies ahead. worried what i'm gonna do to make my life better. what i am sure of is that i live in this world for my two kids that needs me. i keep holding on everyday to the bright future that i can give to them even if i am not sure yet if i can give the future that i dream for them. what keeps me not to give up is the love, for my kids, for my family and for the man that i love...it's hard to find true happiness but i'm sure i already have it...i can't even figure out how i was able to have it...
it's really hard to explain life, its existence, even love has no definite meaning and without love, life, unfortunately, would be meant nothing, only love gives color in it, only love makes every eyes of sinful human sparks, only love is the reason why we keep breathing...ohhhh love...so hard to explain but easy to determine, easy to feel, easy to show and i can give more...
sleepless night now is gone...only love makes me sleep with a smile in my lips...only love makes me to keep on dreaming...only love makes me believe the unbelievable things...only love sees every positive possibility...ohhh love...it's the only thing that everybody always wanted...
i love you and now i can have a lovely night...hope to see you in my dreams
it's nice to be home...dreams are alive and keep me moving on.......

well, life seems so hard to deal, so hard so make it easy, so hard to get something you want, so hard to be what want to be, it's like you are riding a roller coaster. Life seems so dark especially when you don't know where to go and what you want to do. So hard to determine whether you're in the right or wrong path. You will not even know when to turn left or right. It's like walking in the long, dark and full of challenges road, nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no one can guide, no one can tell you the right way, no one can light up your way and it's like you are alone in this cruel world...
i experienced to be lost in life for ones...i don't want that to happen again...as long as it is possible, i want to be on the way i always wanted but, what will i do, i am just a sinful human being, prone to sin and temptations? what my life holds on for me? i always ask that question to myself...but the answer is in me...no one can give answers to me but myself...i am the one making my future...i am the one making my life and it seem that it's hard to make a sketch for it...i am holding my destiny...and i rely on my fate...but sometimes fate not good to me...but i continue living the way i wanted...in the way of doing things that can make me happy...happiness that no one can supply it for me...happiness to treasure forever...happiness that i should look back when i come to my end...at least i can tell to myself that ones in life i taste the sweetness and had it in the fullest way...smiling gently deep inside my heart...satisfaction comes on me...now i'm ready to face death...but my happiness still be alive in my heart where ever god put me in the end...i now know that success can be counted and has its own price but happiness has no certain value...you cannot buy it...no amount of money can be equal to it...happiness is all i ever wanted...happiness is all i ever dream...now i feel that it soon to be happen...soon to be experienced...soon to be savor...there's only one man who can complete it...the man that i ever wanted...one man that i ever dreamed of...the man that can give color and meaning to my life...who is he? he's in my heart...he's in my mind...he's in the deepest part of my soul...who is he? my heart can only answer it...my heart can only reveal it...who is he? he's the man i love...the man who give me security...the man who give courage...the man who give light and show the way...the man that is always in my side and stand there like a solid rock....who is he? the answer is in me...it's my baby....